how blue can you get? at 14:52

i don't know what's going on...
really.
things are fluctuating so fast...
the frequency's insane...
crests and troughs...
like holding on to an angered bull...
but hardly grabbing life by the horns...
rather, getting impaled by it.

it's a little weird at times...

i am here

i am me

more than ever.

and what i know, i know for sure
why does the approach matter?
why did my words hurt?
i was being honest.
and i didn't want to hurt her.
what i said doesn't mean that's what'll happen immediately...
it it turns out one day that for real she doesn't like what happens and decides to leave, i will do anything i can do to keep her close, at least...
...
what am i on about?

fuck if i know.

blues.
what does a man need when his mind is overwhelmed?
i wish i had an answer to that question.

my guitar is not enough.
doing work isn't
maybe i need to clean up more...
or study more
or something
i dno

there are certain notes...
chords
bends
riffs...
they are constant.
and when they echo
they pull some strings a little deeper than i'm used to.
puppeteer my insides...

i've lost everything.

i hope beirut becomes something to look forward to...
cuz right now it's just something that's happening for xmas.
but i don't feel like i'm excited at all.
what the hell is wrong with me?
i need help.

buried under lucky numbers. at 16:18

yea.
so the last time i wrote was what? a year ago...
well
i'm writing now. again
i think recalling the events of the past year would be redundant.
it's for my thoughts to learn from.
it's only here that the rhetoric will be shared...

all i can recall from the last time i was alive
is looking back.
between silhouettes and shadows
through the reflections in the glass...
at a tear-drenched face
the details were unclear
there was already too much distance between us.
but the image was clear in my head...
the tears fill up the tiny crease under your eye, wetting your lashes and collecting on the ends... until the heavy drop takes a fall onto rosy cheeks.
your hair undulates subtly with the motion of your sobs, reverberating down to your feet... harmonizing with a tune unknown to you but you know you don't like it.
and i stand
motionless
not squinting to see...
but frowning.
i have to keep it together...
if i had let it out there, i would have missed my flight...
there's no turning back now.
so i walked on... hesitantly, but with my shoulders back...
my chest out
my chin up
...
not really.
i just walked to the gate
and after that....
is history.

i've come a long way since then.
but
i've really gotten nowhere.
and i have lost myself in the fog.
it's cold.
but that's just now... isn't it?
what is now?
if now is nowhere?
now is nothing.
but my intentions are good.
and i gotta find myself and the sun.
at least i have direction.
i guess.
i'm just ranting now....
until we meet again... tread softly

i actually feel my age... at 19:05

i dont have the patience or energy much anymore....
i have been pretty much messed up and all over the place lately.
i don't even remember much of the things i have done...

i guess marc's birthday was really cool. we just chilled and played guitar. and got him a ukulele. and went to newton...

a couple friends from high school are back in town and i'm not too keen on that cuz all they do is party. and i can't handle that anymore.

i am going to kl on friday. with marc n ben n lisa n lindy... i feel kinda bad cuz deej will be here alone...

i'll continue this later... i have to run.

revival at 13:07

so here i am...
back.

it worked out.
actually... in a very unexpected way.
it was friday when i wrote last on here...
so ben called me and told me she was really not doing well and that they were at holland village. so i went down there and worked things out. and walked home with her from there. stayed up pretty late.
saturday i went to twiggy's to help her with some work. and she had a bunch of people over and i realized either i'm really our of the scene, or the age gap is freakin huge. but that really doesn't matter cuz i'm happy where i am while the youngens get wasted and get into fights... i then went to deeja's work place. and went to her house after that. and we watched some tv and did some sudoku puzzles together. then... :P

ummm... and sunday we went to JB together and had a great time with link and ash. just chilled. all day. relaxed... forgot about singapore for a while. then we came back here and she came to my place and we chilled again...

then yesterday i went to her school and picked her up. we made our way to her place. we got ice cream and cereal and had dinner together with her brother. i helped her on something she had to do for her mom. then i took the last bus home.

seems like it's going to be a pretty nice day... hopfeully. :)

beacon at 22:16

if she's working tomorrow...
it'll work out

i have a plan
and an idea

and it all depends on
if she can be accepting

my time alone will come to and end tonight.
i need a beer.

the following day will decide
the path of the next few months.

on the 3rd day he rose again... at 04:13

today was a nice and easy day. i ended up going to bed around 11 am or so... woke up at 3. i ate, worked out, ate again... then went to deeja's place. zoned out a little. ate again. then came home. i think that pretty much sums it up... no major thoughts, i guess... just a brainless quiet day. well-needed indeed

i propose a toast at 06:00

today.
today had effects on other days and people whom i've never met before.
i don't think a simple entry could really explain the magnitude of today... but let me tell u what i did. keep in mind that my actions are simply just actions, but the infinite effect they had is what i stress on.

i realize a lot of my friends are in need now. they might not be my closest friends, they might not even be friends... but i care for them. and they are busy taking care of each other. who is there to care for them? i have made it my deed, i guess, to be there for these people. to be the shadow of comfort behind their grief. i hope i can help them in as much or little as i can.

i went to mc's to pick up some food. a delivery man was running into the shop with a box. he was on the other side of the door as i was exiting. smiling awkwardly, waiting for me to swing the door open so he can slip into the shop after i left. i decided to step aside and let him in before leaving. as i crossed the road, went under the bridge towards deeja's house, he was running back to his truck. it was idled, with hazard lights, on the opposite side of the road, near a police station. he said "thank you boss" as we rushed back to his truck. i said it was alright and went my separate way.

after making sure my friends were alright, i spent hours talking to deeja's brother. juggling work, and family, and friends, the man is quite exhausted. he proceeded to ponder. and i was listening... i took much interest in his thoughts and ideas and in what he had to say. it wasn't about what was going on in his life but more ideas that he would like to witness in motion. i believe his ideas have infinite potential and i am willing to help. not because i can and it would be nice to help him, but because his thoughts and ideas are some of the things that have been creeping within me for a long time.

o... i also carved his name into a tree (he had taken a photo of the tree when i first and last saw him) with bernie and carleel. had a smoke and a beer with him before returning to the house. :)

i had a good day.

surprisingly enough, when i got home, my parents were leaving the house when i got home. that's not the surprising part, they're always up this early... but i was telling my mom about today. and she said, "good for you. as long as you're up for it, and you're doing something, good." i'm glad my mom sees that i'm trying to do something. i'm applying my best traits for something good.

i thank YOU.
as a result of unfortunate and catastrophic events, i believe that what we are doing together is something you have caused... and if u were here today, there is no doubt in my mind that it would be no different.

In the blink of an eye... at 01:42

seems like the title above is a lot more fitting for today.
i spent the night at marc's house last night...
jammed and worked on some music. had prata. chilled...
we continued today but i was stunned by a phone call that a friend had passed away...
so i went over to send my condolences.. and then went back to jamming, but not much work happened... the underlying mood was just too negative... like an undertow in the current....
then i went to my gf's house... her sister was his girlfriend... i went to support her and sit with the family.
i'm now home...

"you never know" by immortal technique

Post-mortem at 04:21

I slept for 15 hours.
7 pm to 11 am... such a good rest.
after that i went to deeja's place to make sure she finishes some work. it was nice chillin around her n watchin tv...
i then went to town and met up with my pplz. then went to pick up my sister from the airport. she got me back some nice headphones. :D
after that, i got my stuff and i'm spending the night at marc's. we jammed, and after some prata, i'm just typing away, ready to pass out.
jam/recording session tomoro... so look out for new stuff on out pages. PEACE!

Boat-full at 12:07

I'm back.
i got back last night.
i had an awesome time with link and ash in JB.
barely slept, but it was awesome... just chillin like we used to last summer.
good food. driving around. hanging out. crackin jokes.

Crack at 19:11

it's been a very slow day.
thankfully, deeja called and suggested dinner.
sushi :D

also, i'm heading to JB after dinner...
gonna meet link there and just chill out.
i will be back friday afternoon.

And the day has taken off... at 14:36

Wow.
i slept... but it didn't feel like much sleep.
i am really tired.
and i feel really brain-dead today... like i actually have to try and concentrate to do something productive... maybe today's the day to be lazy... i shall be productive another day...

i had a dream that my dreads were much longer... like down to my waist. and they were kinda brownish too... i dno what the dream was really about but i turned around to talk to someone and my dreads were really long. lookin forward to that.

i hope that my head feels better later. and i hope that i can get outta this country for a couple of days...

Night at 00:59

i spent the evening and night with deeja :D
it was nice. she tried the butter chicken that i had cooked yesterday. i got her approval :)
it was missing some salt, coriander leaves, and i think i forgot to put tomato puree in it... lol
apart from all that...
i'm really excited to jam again. i have soooooooooo many ideas. and i need some of the hi-res photos so that i can work on some designs.
me n deeja had pancakes.
i think that pretty much tops it off.

Poster/shirt at 17:26

I have been workin on a little thing for Sleep, the Weekend...
it's just something to start with for now.
but i hope you like it.

Here we go at 15:47

Ok... so

i have a few projects in mind. i'm currently trying to manage everything
this is something that i've been wanting to do for a long time...
to have my time filled up so i can organize myself and apply myself to each and every detail.
i'm really stoked.
things are looking up. :)

Starting New at 14:32

Here's to a new start...