how blue can you get? at 14:52

i don't know what's going on...
really.
things are fluctuating so fast...
the frequency's insane...
crests and troughs...
like holding on to an angered bull...
but hardly grabbing life by the horns...
rather, getting impaled by it.

it's a little weird at times...

i am here

i am me

more than ever.

and what i know, i know for sure
why does the approach matter?
why did my words hurt?
i was being honest.
and i didn't want to hurt her.
what i said doesn't mean that's what'll happen immediately...
it it turns out one day that for real she doesn't like what happens and decides to leave, i will do anything i can do to keep her close, at least...
...
what am i on about?

fuck if i know.

blues.
what does a man need when his mind is overwhelmed?
i wish i had an answer to that question.

my guitar is not enough.
doing work isn't
maybe i need to clean up more...
or study more
or something
i dno

there are certain notes...
chords
bends
riffs...
they are constant.
and when they echo
they pull some strings a little deeper than i'm used to.
puppeteer my insides...

i've lost everything.

i hope beirut becomes something to look forward to...
cuz right now it's just something that's happening for xmas.
but i don't feel like i'm excited at all.
what the hell is wrong with me?
i need help.

buried under lucky numbers. at 16:18

yea.
so the last time i wrote was what? a year ago...
well
i'm writing now. again
i think recalling the events of the past year would be redundant.
it's for my thoughts to learn from.
it's only here that the rhetoric will be shared...

all i can recall from the last time i was alive
is looking back.
between silhouettes and shadows
through the reflections in the glass...
at a tear-drenched face
the details were unclear
there was already too much distance between us.
but the image was clear in my head...
the tears fill up the tiny crease under your eye, wetting your lashes and collecting on the ends... until the heavy drop takes a fall onto rosy cheeks.
your hair undulates subtly with the motion of your sobs, reverberating down to your feet... harmonizing with a tune unknown to you but you know you don't like it.
and i stand
motionless
not squinting to see...
but frowning.
i have to keep it together...
if i had let it out there, i would have missed my flight...
there's no turning back now.
so i walked on... hesitantly, but with my shoulders back...
my chest out
my chin up
...
not really.
i just walked to the gate
and after that....
is history.

i've come a long way since then.
but
i've really gotten nowhere.
and i have lost myself in the fog.
it's cold.
but that's just now... isn't it?
what is now?
if now is nowhere?
now is nothing.
but my intentions are good.
and i gotta find myself and the sun.
at least i have direction.
i guess.
i'm just ranting now....
until we meet again... tread softly